I have personally always been intrigued by people who take something, such as an established invention that makes sense and doesn't need improvement, and then make it entirely unnecessary. This can be seen in refrigerators with televisions in them, waffle irons with radios on the handle, or... Japanese toilets that can play music and make you feel better about yourself.
The following is a newspaper article that was written more for my own selfish enjoyment than something that I ever thought that would see print. Behold!
"Future Toilet"
Forgive me if I am nonplussed about the latest development in bowl evacuation technology. Enter stage right the new ‘Intelligence Toilet’ system. Believe me, I’m as shocked as you are but before you have any terrible ideas brewing let me explain.
This wonder toilet does it all, it checks your blood pressure, it gives you advice, and it tells you if you look fat in those pants. I was kidding about the last one but you couldn’t tell. The future is now and that future is pointless household items that do what no one ever asked them to do.
This invention of course is great for me because I’ve been waiting forever for a toilet that I can confide in, mentally not physically of course. Forget about scheduling doctor’s appointments because now you have your $4,000 dollar toilet to keep you healthy. I figure that after one hundred or so visits to the toilet, the thing will pay for itself.
Seems to me that if we have automobiles that can sense stress by how we grip the steering wheel and then put on the air conditioning and play our favorite song and toilets that track our health then robot butlers cannot be that far away.
Only recently my mind has literally been blown by all of the new advancements in bathroom waste receptacle technology. While I was in
Now not only does a toilet save water by controlling the length of the flush but it also saves lives. Surely the headline, “Toilet saves family of five” cannot be that far away with the new technologies that we are now developing.
Why even bother with the paramedics, soon we will have common tables and chairs that will perform transfusions and assist in pregnancies and everything will be fully automated. Of course, we must make certain that these household items are not smarter than we are. We don’t want a human robot war on our hands.
The leader of the invasion would probably be the Intelligent Toilet. This would be because it could get to us when we were at our most vulnerable state regardless or if we were sitting or not. We must constantly be on alert, we must not let the toilet lure us into its trap giving us information about the Panama Canal and the GDP of India and emitting a pleasant scent when suddenly, BAM!, it gets you!
When you are using the toilet or ‘powdering your nose’ you get in and out as quickly as possible. This means no reading material or falling asleep while on the Intelligent Toilet. If you have fallen asleep no worries, you will never wake up.
Hang on a minute here we may have made a wrong turn somewhere. It seems like I was discussing the GDP of
If all of our toilets pose potential threats to our lives then maybe we should get rid of toilets altogether. We don’t need to get our blood pressure from a toilet, we have doctors for that. We don’t need advice from a toilet, we have psychiatrists for that. We don’t need toilets, we have holes dug in the ground outdoors for that.
But before you throw your low-flows away and begin naturally composting the outdoors, as I know you will. Wait and take a minute to think about what I have said. Your heart may be beating pretty fast with you processing the information that I have told you so you might want to take a minute or two and check your heart rate with your toilet.
0 comments:
Post a Comment