It'll give us so much extra space in our room to do activities...

I don't think that I have ever been so quickly swayed into the 'awesomeness' of a movie as I have been by Step Brothers. I left the theater dumbfounded as to how a movie could be both so hilarious and so perfectly stupid all at the same time.

This truly could be a life changing experience for me. I have seen first hand what I want to do when I grow up, assuming I do get a job and move out of my house, much like the movie but anyway I can see no other career that I would love more than to write screenplays for films. You can constantly reinvent yourself in a way that isn't possible with journalism which is the other option that I have given myself.

But maybe I shouldn't limit myself to just that. I've always said that when I grew up and got a career it would have something to do with writing but in all honesty, even that could change. I mean I love to write but I also love travel, and talking to and making other people feel better, the whole human condition thing and it's better understanding. I want to be known as someone who did something good and maybe changed the way people thought about something by laughter or otherwise but I still am grappling with the how. Hopefully college will provide some answers. (Yes, amazing as it may seem, I am going to college, and an accredited one at that.)

So yeah, that's quite impressive really. I got quite a lot about my potential future from a movie that features a guy 'tea-bagging' another guys drum set...

I am ehh, happy that I made the puut...

I honestly cannot believe what has just happened. My favorite golfer, now world #3 Padraig Harrington has won the British Open for a second straight year and honestly I could not be more happy for someone else's success. To quite George Costanza from Seinfeld, "I'm busting Jerry, I'm busting!"

I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I would like to name my child(ren), assuming I have one or two which I think I will assuming I find a woman insane enough to want to be with me and I have come up with several options which I consider to be quite good.

#1: Jemaine (no, this is not a typo and I did not mean to type Jermaine, it's a new take on the name and one I rather like)
#2: Seven (yes, I know this is a number but think about how unique my kid would be, it's certainly memorable no?)
#3: some random Irish/Gaelic sounding name that I haven't decided on yet, possibly Liam or Fergal or Fintan (those wouldn't get their asses kicked in school right?)

I used to be really annoyed by those people who pulled out their cellphones and started texting someone but now I'm one of those people. I have truly become everything I have ever hated. No, no, no, but yeah, yeah, yeah...

Also, on the subject of Irishness/Padraigness, I was recently informed by my aunt and my father that it would be possible for me to apply for dual Irish/American citizenship on account of my father hailing from the Emerald Isle. This of course would be amazing and would save me from putting a Canadian maple leaf on the back of my backpack when I travel to Europe. So take that Americans who don't have a mother or father who was born in another country! That is all.

This hasn't gone exactly as planned...

So it's been about, I don't know, a week and a half since I started trying to grow a beard in earnest and it hasn't gone perfectly to plan. The small reddish orange hair sprouts seem localized around my chinular region but the further the follicles travel up either side of my face their frequency becomes considerably less well, frequent.

I suppose I could write it off to not being being fully matured yet but is it wrong that I equate whether or not I can grow a beard as a litmus test for if I am a man or not? Well I suppose I'm not but a good friend of mine can grow a full and hearty beard and he's younger than I am even if he does resemble a certain Iranian president and may have the slightest issue getting past airport security.

I may have even regressed. Recently while driving home one night I found myself wondering, tempted even, by what sort of music happened to be on a radio station that specified in playing about 20-25 songs that all basically sound the same, have the same pounding beat and techno/pop sounds, and basically interchange the words 'bed-set' with 'dance-floor' or some other sort of innuendo that uses dancing as a metaphor for sex.

I really don't know what has been happening to me but what I do know is that the beats are quite intoxicating and as such are quite conducive to dance. This can be with others or even when I am in my car listening to the radio myself. I suppose maybe I have just opened my mind.

Now if I could just open the mind of my body chemistry so that it could listen to the techno/pop music of my brain and dance a beard onto my face.

One of my favorite stories that never saw the light of day: Future Toilet!

I have personally always been intrigued by people who take something, such as an established invention that makes sense and doesn't need improvement, and then make it entirely unnecessary. This can be seen in refrigerators with televisions in them, waffle irons with radios on the handle, or... Japanese toilets that can play music and make you feel better about yourself.

The following is a newspaper article that was written more for my own selfish enjoyment than something that I ever thought that would see print. Behold!


"Future Toilet"

Forgive me if I am nonplussed about the latest development in bowl evacuation technology. Enter stage right the new ‘Intelligence Toilet’ system. Believe me, I’m as shocked as you are but before you have any terrible ideas brewing let me explain.

This wonder toilet does it all, it checks your blood pressure, it gives you advice, and it tells you if you look fat in those pants. I was kidding about the last one but you couldn’t tell. The future is now and that future is pointless household items that do what no one ever asked them to do.

This invention of course is great for me because I’ve been waiting forever for a toilet that I can confide in, mentally not physically of course. Forget about scheduling doctor’s appointments because now you have your $4,000 dollar toilet to keep you healthy. I figure that after one hundred or so visits to the toilet, the thing will pay for itself.

Seems to me that if we have automobiles that can sense stress by how we grip the steering wheel and then put on the air conditioning and play our favorite song and toilets that track our health then robot butlers cannot be that far away.

Only recently my mind has literally been blown by all of the new advancements in bathroom waste receptacle technology. While I was in Europe length of flush toilets came to my attention. Without going into too much detail about anything other than the flushing, one can control how long the flush is by simply pressing the handle down.

Now not only does a toilet save water by controlling the length of the flush but it also saves lives. Surely the headline, “Toilet saves family of five” cannot be that far away with the new technologies that we are now developing.

Why even bother with the paramedics, soon we will have common tables and chairs that will perform transfusions and assist in pregnancies and everything will be fully automated. Of course, we must make certain that these household items are not smarter than we are. We don’t want a human robot war on our hands.

The leader of the invasion would probably be the Intelligent Toilet. This would be because it could get to us when we were at our most vulnerable state regardless or if we were sitting or not. We must constantly be on alert, we must not let the toilet lure us into its trap giving us information about the Panama Canal and the GDP of India and emitting a pleasant scent when suddenly, BAM!, it gets you!

When you are using the toilet or ‘powdering your nose’ you get in and out as quickly as possible. This means no reading material or falling asleep while on the Intelligent Toilet. If you have fallen asleep no worries, you will never wake up.

Hang on a minute here we may have made a wrong turn somewhere. It seems like I was discussing the GDP of India and suddenly the toilet is a cognizant being that is trying to kill us?

If all of our toilets pose potential threats to our lives then maybe we should get rid of toilets altogether. We don’t need to get our blood pressure from a toilet, we have doctors for that. We don’t need advice from a toilet, we have psychiatrists for that. We don’t need toilets, we have holes dug in the ground outdoors for that.

But before you throw your low-flows away and begin naturally composting the outdoors, as I know you will. Wait and take a minute to think about what I have said. Your heart may be beating pretty fast with you processing the information that I have told you so you might want to take a minute or two and check your heart rate with your toilet.

The Crappening....

Yes, it finally happened. I suppose it was overdue really. I kept telling people that I was in fact a writer but I had never in earnest put any of my thoughts to paper, or computer screen for that matter but I really had things to say right? Lets evaluate my personal criteria for beginning a blog in the first place:

1.) Were you told to do so for school or some kind or assignment for class? (No I wasn't)
2.) Did something dramatic or major happen in your life? (No it didn't)
3.) Are you severely injured or incapacitated or confined to a hospital bed where the only thing that you can reach with your two remaining fingers is a laptop? (No, not yet anyway)

So then why did I begin a blog then? To be perfectly honest, I really don't know but as best as I can tell it has something to do with that fact that both, a.) I find my musings to be, well a-musing and b.) I often come up with things that I either think are clever or interesting and I usually forget them before writing then down somewhere. This way at least maybe I will be able to organize my thoughts in some coherent fashion.

If you question my motives then not to worry, for so do I but could you really doubt someone who had the courage and gumption to create and then relate a poem such as this?

“Irish People”

The Irish are a proud sort of people.
Here’s the church and here’s the steeple.
Religion often has ties to profession.
You kill a man and you’ve got confession.
“Father, I admit that I killed twenty men.”
“Ten Hail Mary’s and don’t do it again.”

The Irish have many foods in their diet
Guinness and potatoes, “Shut up and be quiet”
“You poke holes in the bread so the ferries come out”
A crazy old adage my grandmother would spout
When the food is served up and the plates go around,
You’d better eat fast or be beat to the ground

If the Irish have weakness, it lies in the drinking
Ten pints in the pub and you stumble home stinking
The wife yells, “Where’ve you been?” you shout “What’s it to you?”
You’re looking to fight but you suddenly spew
A good many men must have called for the cab
To think kissing a rock would bring ‘gift of the gab’

To the Irish the family was their life
No less than ten babies came out of the wife
Birth control, what a silly thought
Safe sex is a phrase I was never taught
Ten children and they all slept in drawers
“You want me to beat you, get back to your chores”

Recently the Irish have not been well presented
Colin Farrell’s a man whore and largely resented
Bono has his cowboy hats and his sunglasses
Our only redeeming trait is Angela’s Ashes
But in all honesty Ireland is the place to be
Just drink several pints and I’m sure you’ll agree